Wow I am in a real confusing place at the moment, with whirling mixed emotions just under the surface. The realisation that I have finally grown up and expanded my consciousness by miles, makes me very proud of myself! However, the more my self respect grows and I learn to speak my truth and set boundaries, people are dropping around me like flies.
My life used to be full of people, mostly those that would take my kindness for weakness. And the sad thing is that deep down inside of me, in my gut, I knew this but continued to allow myself to be a doormat. Looking back now I see how my throat and sacral chakras knotted up and reacted, when my soul inside would scream for me to stand up for myself. Years worth of that suppressed energy built up in me, which I ultimately believe was a massive contributor towards my depression and anxiety conditions.
Part of me worries that I will never meet new people that understand and accept me, but the better part of me is saying “you can never be lonely, now that you have found yourself”. I come from a family and environment, totally not open to spirituality in any way at all. Initially my family (Mum and sisters) were worried that I was going insane, but now they can just see that I have changed for the better. They have almost got their heads around the fact that I will no longer participate in ANY family arguements, although it is very difficult at times to not get sucked into their never ending dramas, especially when it’s people and things so near and dear to my heart. The only way for me at the moment is to pull back, and to retreat into myself to try any find some peace. I love my family so so much but I had to take the bold steps appear selfish to them, by setting new boundaries, which they have never before been used to. People find it very shocking, and you can see the reaction of shock in their faces, when you finally start standing up for yourself.
Friends are currently not in existence, and I suppose maybe I am feeling it more because I deleted Facebook and Instagram last week. My ego is clearly missing the regular social media boost by likes and shares hehe 😂. The old me would fall apart at the thought of being alone, or not liked by people. I hated myself so deeply that I didn’t even know who I was, I had never known who I was! Its actually nuts that I can say that but it’s the honest truth. I was a lost little girl, who desperately searched and searched for something or someone to feel a deep dark void within her. Just thinking about what I allowed to happen to me, by different people and myself, over the years make me feel very ashamed and upset. The lil I feel sorry for myself narrative is slipping back into my head! I am aware though, so I smile through the tears!
My life is consumed with my two beautiful children, who are 15 and 12, my dog, my two cats and fish. I am getting ready to return to my third year of a university Business Management degree in September, and have recently completed practitioner courses in: Reiki and Seichem healing, crystal healing, and meditation. However my anxiety and agoraphobia tendancies have held me back from practicing on people. I have been working on myself and weaned myself from anti depressants, however I am slyly concerned that I will never bounce back from this period of solitude.
Since beginning my spiritual path and the deeper I go, the harder it is for me to relate to people that are still asleep sheeple. Especially when it relates to anger over War. Wow I really have to pull away from all of that, it literally drains me emotionally and spiritually. I’ve removed live TV and news from my household and now I have to tell people to leave that type of convo out of my energy field, especially if it involves angry egos.
For once in my life I feel that I need nobodies approval, only that of my own heart and soul ❤ I enjoy endless hours of being alone, meditating or watching documentaries and lectures to expand my consciousness. Silence sounds amazing to me now, and I love the sounds of nature calling out to me. I must keep the faith that one day I will fulfill my purpose on earth to help heal. And that the universe will bring me the right people for me, at the right time. Maybe it’s my karma and destiny to be in solotude…
Only the Universe knows 😍
Time will tell!